me and my patience....

I have been working on developing more patience and understanding of myself. I have come to some conclusions recently, and wanted to share them with you all...

I grew up with little to no actual childhood. Spending so much time in the hospital with other kids that were even more extreme cases than my own really forced me to grow up mentally very quickly. The ways of the world and the people in it hits you really hard when kids and adults alike are making fun of you (not in the hospital, but outside in the real world). It is something that makes you learn early on about what to appreciate in others, what kind of traits you desire in yourself and your friends.

I was waited on hand and foot in the hospital by doctors and nurses. When I needed something I just rang the little bell, so to speak, and someone came running. So, early in my life it was reinforced that whenever I wanted someone's attention all I need do is summon them. This thought occurred to me yesterday. It has led to me getting irritated when certain people in my life do not react or respond to me the way I want them to. I am not going to say I act like a spoiled brat or anything, because I don't. But I have to argue with my "inner child" as to WHY they are not responding the way I wish...because it is irrational to expect people to do this. This may seem simple to you all, but put yourself in my shoes...think about this from my perspective. It is a hard lesson to integrate, especially when I have a really insecure part of me inside that just jumps to the conclusion of "so and so is ignoring me..." or "so and so doesn't really like me..." or "so and so is TOO BUSY to be bothered with me..." The past couple weeks I have been working on the inner dialogue. Thankfully, in each case it has come up in my mind I have been able to thwart the mental chatter by forcing myself to remember actual examples of how what I am thinking is a load of crap. NO really, that is what I do. I basically put my "inner child" (which is what I refer to this aspect of myself as, in somewhat of a mental time out, and then give myself a good talking to.

Years ago, when I was in counseling, my therapist was into visualization. He had me visualize meeting my inner child, me as an actual child meeting me as an adult. For some reason I had this happen on the beach...peaceful and serene I guess. Anyway, he told me to tell "myself" the things that I never felt as a kid, unconditional love, acceptance, that kind of thing. Well, he had me promise my "inner child" that I would always love her, nurture her, and care for her...keep her safe. So now, I am thinking, "HEY! I have to continually watch this kid, she is getting out of line!" LOL!! Well, somewhat. Basically, the insecure little girl in me is acting out (in mental chatter) because she is, well, insecure! So, the secure, confident adult that I portray now has to take care of her.

This may all sound silly to many of you, but trust me, I know that which I speak. I know that the insecure aspect of me is a scared little girl who is afraid of being left alone forever, and of being completely unloved. It is my job to love her, and accept her, flaws and all. It is up to me to help her heal from her past hurts, help her through any future hurts, and guide her through the present.

Okay, right now she is craving a grilled cheese sandwich...and so am I! (Yes, I know we are one person...I was being funny...sheesh! LOL)